Is This Heaven?
by flo-bizet
Summary: Sanji has died and gone to heaven... Literally. Don't take the death seriously for this is pure crack. And it's being continued! Chapter three: Soooo... what the hell was that?
1. Is this heaven?

**Date Written:** September 27, 2007

**Flo:** Time for a One Piece fic… wooh. -_sigh_- I LOVE this idea, but I'm not as enthusiastic about writing as I normally am. Damn work. You shouldn't stand on your feet for eight hours with only, at the MOST, twenty minutes to sit! And on concrete!

**WARNINGS!** Language and slight porn. Always fun!

**ALSO!** I didn't realize how hard it is for me to write a guy drooling over women until I started this. -_sweat drop_- I never write characters like Sanji! I love him to death, he's freakin' awesome… just had trouble with him. Who knew?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own One Piece. If I did, then -_noun_- would -_verb_- -_noun_-.

**Hope you enjoy!**

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It had been a painful death. Excruciating. Unbearable. Inhuman, even. But Sanji didn't care. It had all been worth it to protect his dearest Nami. Besides, things appeared to have turned out for the better with his death. True, everyone was sad in the living world, but the personal benefits were incredibly hard to ignore. Sanji was literally in heaven.

There, he was surrounded by beautiful women, all perfect in every way. Their eyes, their hair, their figures, their age, their other things. All of it caused his immediate comical reaction and his mating calls of, "Mellorine!"

Even better, every girl reacted in how he always hoped they would: returning his affections with equal comical actions and their own personal mating calls of high pitched squealing. The impossibly large group of women proceeded to charge directly at Sanji, as he welcomed them with opened arms. The impact had them all laughing and tumbling around merrily through the kitchen in the sky.

"I can't believe it!" one girl was saying. "Sanji is really here!"

"I know!" another said. "He's even cuter in person! Ah, his hair is gorgeous!"

"It would look great with a head band!" said yet another.

Sanji paused in his bliss to think that that was a rather strange comment. A head band? He brushed it off, though, as the girl merely wanting to see his other eye. It seemed his plan of stirring mysterious air around himself by constantly hiding it was finally paying off.

And so the group happily frolicked throughout the large kitchen until Sanji realized that these goddesses were probably hungry. Waltzing to one of the cabinets, he opened it only to find it empty.

A moment of reflection was taken for Sanji to try and understand why exactly all of the shelves in the cabinet were piled with nothing but air, then figured he should forget about it and hurry to another in order to prepare a meal filled with his love. Except, there was nothing more in the next cabinet. Nor the next. Nor the next. Nor even in the pantry and stove and refrigerator.

Trying desperately to keep calm, Sanji turned to the hoard of women and asked with as much voice control as possible, "Where is the food?"

"Food?" a girl echoed. She then burst into a fit of laughter as the others joined her. Sanji didn't find any of this funny in the least. "You're silly! We don't need to eat here! So why would we need food?"

Again, Sanji tried to keep calm. One should never raise their voice to a lady. "Then why is there a kitchen so large and accommodating?"

"To make sure you're comfortable," said a girl.

Well, that was nice. Only, when inside a kitchen, one cooks. Not idly look around like a tourist. Especially when you're someone who eats, breathes, and sleeps cooking. "So there's nothing?"

"Nope!" all the girls chirped.

Silence.

Sanji couldn't remember the last time he felt so torn. On the one hand, these girls were absolutely gorgeous and adored him. A dream come true! Yet on the other, they didn't need to eat so there wasn't any food for him to cook. A nightmare.

That's not true, Sanji thought while trying to keep a smile on his face. Nobody will starve this way. And there are worse things in lif-er, after life. I'm in heaven, after all!

"Where's Zolo?" somebody suddenly shouted above the crowd, initiating a large and loud amount of cheering and more squealing.

"Who's 'Zolo?'" Sanji asked after they calmed down a bit.

"Oh, you know!" said the girl who had spoken most often. Their leader, perhaps? "Your green haired lover boy!"

Sanji's eyebrow twitched. There was only one green haired lov… guy he knew. "Do you mean, 'Zoro?'"

"Sure, whatever. Where is he?! You two need to get together and give us some 'subtext!'"

Sanji was beginning to get even more confused with every sentence these girls were spouting off. His brain literally felt like it would explode any minute. "I'm sorry," he began, "but I don't understand any of what you're saying."

The mass of girls let out a, "ooooh" sound before their leader said, "So you two haven't confessed your love for each other, yet?"

In the distance, you could actually hear Sanji's respect-women-always nerve snapping. "WHAT?!"

"Oh, he's still in denial!" The group twittered happily as Sanji was releasing steam through his ears at an alarming rate.

"What is going on here?! I am not in denial about anything with that Neanderthal! Especially not feelings of…! Of…! God, I can't even say it!"

"Yes you are! By you two always fighting, it's canon!"

"Yes! Canon!" the group chanted.

"You two are one of the top couples, too! How can ten thousand fanfics and countless pieces of art be wrong?!"

"Again, what are you talking about?!" Sanji was shocked at himself for acting this way towards these beauties, but one has to draw the line somewhere!

"This." The leader pulled a cord that appeared out of nowhere to reveal a large mural of countless pictures. Pictures of Zoro and himself cuddling, holding hands, making out, licking each other, blatantly frenching, panting, stroking, backs arching, hands roaming, having anal-

"AAAAAAAAAH! My eyes! My eyes, they burn!" Sanji made a run for the knife drawer, but was held back by some of the stronger girls.

Once slightly calm and tied to a chair, Sanji took a deep breath and shakily asked, "Why?"

The leader looked up from a doujinshi (with Zoro having a hand down Sanji's pants on the cover) and said, "Because you're both hot, probably. It's also fairly common for a fandom to put the two characters who seem to hate each other together. So long as they're hot."

"How much paraphernalia of this horrid fad has accumulated?"

"Hm," the leader hummed. "I don't know. There seems to be an endless supply, really. Especially in fanfics, since anybody can write one! Only a few in our talented alliance can draw really well. And that mural took months!"

"Stories?!" Sanji choked on the air as all of this sank in.

"Yup! Here, let me read you a passage from one." She cleared her throat as she began, "'The ship rocked with each thrust as Sanji moaned out Zolo's name, coming closer and closer to climax. Zolo was relentless as he pounded into Sanji and-'"

"La la la la la! I'm not listening! I'm not listening to such horrible lies! So you can just stop with that right now, for the love of God!"

"Don't worry, you get romanced first before he screws you!"

Sanji wondered if that was supposed to make him feel better. "I have another question," he slowly started.

"Go on."

"Why is it that in those pictures and in that… thing you just read to me, I am the one on the bottom?!"

The girls all looked at each other before turning back to Sanji with eyes that just screamed they thought he was stupid for asking that. "Because you're girlier than Zolo."

Sanji froze from shock at that statement. Girlier?! Since when?!

The leader must have noticed this because she began to elaborate. "Think about it. Who would look better in a school girl's uniform? You, of course! You got the blond hair that's all silky and stuff, and you're skinny-"

"I'm not a stick!"

"-you're shorter than he is-"

"No I'm not! I'm taller!"

"-you're legs are long and perfect-"

"They're hairy like a man's legs are supposed to be!"

"-you're pale-"

"What does that have to do with anything?!"

"-and you cook, which is a total housewife thing."

"Cooking is a man's job!"

"So in the end, you're the woman! Now if we could just get you your man, we'd be able to finally have video porn of you two, instead of simply panel kind. This will have sound affects! Girls, rejoice!"

As the women cheered, Sanji sat dumbfounded in the chair he was still tied to. He was in a kitchen. But there was no food. He was surrounded by beautiful women. But they thought he was gay. He was adored by all of them. But only because they thought he was with that idiot marimo, going at it like rabbits.

This wasn't heaven.

This was hell.

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Omake Epilogue:

Sanji awoke to someone jumping onto his stomach and both nearly falling out of the hammock.

"Sanji!" Luffy shouted. "Where's breakfast?! I'm starving and the sun's already up!"

Sanji stared at Luffy before breaking into a huge smile. "No problem, Luffy! I'll get right on that!"

He leaped out of bed as Luffy tumbled to the floor and ran out of the door, singing about something being a dream. He was stopped, though, as he ran right into Zoro and both stumbled back.

"What the hell, shitty cook?!" Zoro yelled. "Watch where you're going!"

Sanji looked at him for a second. He eyebrows were knotted, he had his teeth bared, and pure unadulterated annoyance was written all over his face. Sanji began to cry.

"Oh, Zolo!" he said, as he clapped his hands on the man's shoulders. "I hate you so much! You know, right? Right?!"

"… Yeah?"

"Please tell me you hate me, too!"

"Why?"  
"Just say it, marimo!"

"Alright, I hate you!"

"Thank you, so much!"

As Sanji continued to cry in happiness while making his way to the kitchen, Zoro could only say one thing in regard to what just happened. "Who the hell is, 'Zolo?'"

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**1.)** Yeah, there was a jab at 4kids in there. 4kids would be a hell the Straw Hats would go to. Wasn't the Funimation dub amazing? -_sigh_- If you think about it, though, they were business geniuses in getting it because it was probably incredibly easy to make it better than the 4kids dub.

**2.) (side note)** … Meh, s'okay. I'm in a total slump so I'm figuring if I force myself to write, I'll still be in practice until I get my… whatever back. I got ideas, just can't seem to write them. What a bitch, huh? But I posted this because I like it, only can't seem to find where I want to improve it for the however many days I'm had it finished.

**A/N:** This was a hell of a lot longer than I thought it would be. And I got this idea when I realized that if Sanji were to have fan girls like us in his world, he would be a happy fella. But then I remembered that a large bunch of us (me included) would want to see Sanji make out with Zoro, which would make both men unhappy fellas. Thus, this was written.

You know what to do!

Please leave a review!

As always, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is welcomed with cookies.


	2. IT'S NOT A DREAM?

**Date Written:** October 7, 2007

**Summary:** Sooooo… Where exactly did those images come from, anyway?

**Flo:** I'll explain my reasons for continuing this at the end.

**WARNINGS!** Shoot, if you've gotten past the first chapter then I don't think I need to say anything, but just in case. Pretty much the same stuff as last time.

**NOTE!** Chapters might be short... for my standards, at least. And sorry for any typos, this has been sitting in my folder for a week and every time I remember I need to look it over, I'm exhausted from work. I currently am now, as well, but I'm like, "screw it!" So voila.

**Hope you enjoy!**

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"So, Sanji," Chopper began during breakfast that same morning. "How are you feeling today?"

Sanji raised an eyebrow at this question, not so much on the question itself, but the tone. As if he had already been feeling bad. Aside from that disturbing dream, he was fine. Hell, the fact that it was only a dream was a relief in a twisted way. So he answered, "Fine, Chopper… Why? Do I look sick or something?"

The entire crew at the table, minus Zoro and of course Luffy, stopped in their eating and stared at him. Luffy stared as well, but didn't take a break in inhaling his food. All Sanji could do was stare back in confusion. Could they see the horror he experienced last night in his face?

Suddenly, Nami broke the silence and laughed. "No reason, Sanji!" she said. "Uh, it's just that, um… you hit your head yesterday! Yeah! Isn't that right, Usopp?"

Usopp jumped at his sudden pull into the conversation, but quickly understood and said, "Yup! You were carrying some drinks for Nami and Robin when Luffy attacked you for food and you hit your head so hard that when you fell that you were knocked completely unconscious! Yes, I do believe that that taught Luffy a great lesson that day. One in which he could maybe learn to be as great a captian as myself one day and-"

"I did not!" Luffy protested through a mouth full of a God Knows What kind of food mix. "He fainted from-!"

He didn't get a chance to finish, though, as Robin had produced some arms from his head and covered his mouth completely.

"Our captian seems to forget," she said. "Cook-san doesn't faint. Isn't that right?"

Sanji could only nod as everyone at the table had stupid grins on their faces and kept awkwardly laughing. Except for Zoro.

Forgetting about that useless lump, though, Sanji began to wonder what exactly was going on.

UuUuUuUuUuUuUuU

This is stupid! Sanji was thinking as he made his way to give Nami her refreshments. Why should I suspect anything's going on? Nami said that I hit my head, so I hit my head! Why reason would there be for such a goddess to lie?

As we all know, a beautiful woman never lies anyway, so Sanji was right on track. Or so he told himself.

Then again, he had much better and more important things to do. Such as provide his Nami with proper nourishment so she would never have to go on a "diet." Oh, how Sanji loathed that word. Every time her heard Nami say it, it crushed his heart.

"Nami!" Sanji sang as he knocked on her door. "I have a delicious fruit drink made specially for you!"

No answer.

"Nami?" he tried again with another knock, this one a bit louder. There was still nothing, even the door did creak open a crack.

Strange, Sanji thought. Isn't she always in her room at this time?

He took a quick glance around her room, then shrugged his shoulders and turned around with the intention of going onto the deck. Perhaps Nami had decided to relocate and do her chartings where there was more of a breeze? Just as he was about to make his way there, he stepped on a piece of paper.

Simple logic told Sanji that it had merely blown out of Nami's room when the door had opened and bent over to pick it up.

Such a decision would haunt the man for the rest of his life.

Upon the paper was not weather predictions or charts or maps. Oh, no. There, printed on the sheet, were panels of Zoro and himself engaged in… in… activities that are completely unspeakable!

But they must be spoken.

Zoro was blatantly putting his hands all under Sanji's shirt, shortly followed by one going down the front of his pants. Then he licked the back of his neck! He seemed to be looking for something. That was no excuse, though. Sanji was being molested against his will and Zoro was obviously about to rape him! He was saying stop and everything, and Sanji's first thought was honestly, Why haven't I kicked the bastard yet?

Then, Wait… this looks like part of that horrible mural in my dream…

Before he could study the sketches more or remember anything else, though, they were taken from his hand by a scarred, tan one.

Marimo.

Due to shock and confusion, Sanji really had no idea how he was supposed to react. Embarrassed wasn't right because it wasn't like it was his idea or Zoro wasn't in it as well. Anger wasn't right either since it would make it sound as though he enjoyed looking at them. Every other emotion would just be out of place, too. So Sanji stood there and watched Zoro stare at the picture, face completely blank (Like his head, Sanji thought).

Finally, he looked up and said, "Is this supposed to be me?"

"Who the hell else would it be, you shitty swordsman?!" Sanji yelled.

Zoro blinked before casually continuing. "Well, I can tell that that's you 'cause of the eyebrow… but why am I hugging you?"

"More like why are you molesting me?!"

"Hm?" Zoro squinted his eyes at the picture. They then nearly bugged out of his skull as his face turned red. "What the hell?! Why would you read this?!"

"What?!"

"I mean, I figured you had dirty comic books or something and a hell of a lot of kinks, but with me?! And to go so far as to have someone draw and write something with us, that's weird, man!" Zoro paused and seemed to begin to contemplate something as he looked down at his chest before, "My pecs aren't that big, are they?"

That got a swift kick to the head. "I didn't have that out of my own choosing, idiot! It came from Nami's room! And you WISH that I had kinks about you!"

After about five minutes of the basic insults and fighting that was no shock to their crew members, hence why they didn't come down, something must have clicked in the swordsman's head. Perhaps that something was, "Why are we fighting each other when we have both been wronged?" or, "Say, maybe we should try this. You know what they say! Don't knock it 'til 'ya try it!"

But no. It was more like, "What am I pissed about? It looks like I'm gonna be on top."

Of course, the cook didn't see the greatness in this revelation. "It doesn't matter! Somebody is producing pornographic material of us doing it together behind our backs…! And just because you seem to have the upper hand in that one picture, doesn't mean I won't turn the tables on you later, ya' know!"

"I'd like to see you try, you perverted cook!"

Eventually, the two calmed down/decided to see if there were more pictures continuing this in order to find out who ends up topping. Logic told them that there might be more in Nami's room, and after Zoro was forced by Sanji to take a solemn vow not to go through her panties (not that he would 'cause… come on, it's Zoro!), they entered.

Not five minutes later: "Hey, I told you to not got through Nami's panties!"

"I'm not!" Zoro yelled. "She's just weird and put them in the top drawer instead of the bottom!"

"Since when do you actually think about where to put your underwear? Last I heard, you toss the nasty things on the ground."

"I'm not talking about this with you."

"Good, 'cause I don't want to! Just stay completely out of her dresser! You might stumble across something that's private!"

"You mean like those drawings that we're trying to find?"

"That does it!"

Sanji spun around and aimed a kick for Zoro's head, while Zoro took out his swords and quickly blocked it. Really, it was all quite predictable. Kick, block, jab, duck, kick, block, jab, duck, over and over, until Zoro slashed one of Nami's curtains.

Silence and a quick glance to make sure she hadn't heard the fabric rip and was charging down to pummel them into the ground. Nothing. The two sighed in relief, then Sanji remembered what was going on while Zoro's attention went to the damage and maybe how he could hide it.

"You stupid, shit head!" Sanji pretty much screeched. "You've ruined Nami's lovely curtains! Now what will block the sun from disturbing her sleep?!"

Zoro didn't say anything. He kept staring at the large rip he had made. This was pissing Sanji off.

"Hey, didn't you hear me?! I said-!"

"Shut up and look what's behind it!"

Grabbing his head, Zoro shoved Sanji's face toward the wall behind the curtains, only to have him desperately trying to get away from them two seconds later with only three words for Zoro to try to understand why.

"It's the mural!"

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**1.)** Reason for continuing: It's amazing what ideas come to you while you're bored at work. I got to thinking, "Wait, how would Sanji get such images to dream about in the first place?" Plus, I had a lot of fun writing the first chapter anyway. Still debating whether or not to make this an actual Zoro/Sanji fic. Any opinions? Either way works. Though, admittedly, if I were to make them a couple at the end, a sequel might happen. -_shrug_-

**2.)** I don't really think that Zoro would freak out about this nearly as much as Sanji… so long as he's dominating. Plus, aside from fighting and crucial decisions, Zoro doesn't seem to care much about other things. Except, if you go by the fandom, having sex with everyone and every thing.

**A/N:** Figured I should stop with that discovery since if I kept going, this would be the entire story. Explanations will be mostly in the next chapter.

You know what to do!

Please leave a review!

As always, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is welcomed with links to a seriously hot and SCANLATED Zoro/Sanji doujinshi that actually doesn't show much naughty parts… no, seriously! If you want, I can!


	3. You're doing WHAT?

**Date Written:** February 18, 2008

**Flo:** It's been a while, hasn't it? My brain's overflowing with ideas and I'm having trouble getting to them all and finishing them. Hell, I even have another One Piece fic started. I plan on finishing at least one fic, though, before posting another. -_nod nod_-

**WARNINGS!** Um, maybe dirty jokes since that's what I'm feelin' right now and a few of my fics have them… okay, a large bit.

**Hope you enjoy!**

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"So the monkey says, 'I have no son!' to which his wife replied, 'Then have a daughter!' This instance of spousal disagreement with a child is precisely what we need in our next issue!"

"Yeah, but how are they going to have a kid who looks like they actually consumed? If there's a kid, then the people are going to demand it be like a mini-mixed Zoro-Sanji."

"I was thinking Sanji eats a devil fruit?"

"Oh, the Ma Ma Fruit! But wouldn't a pregnant Sanji look gross?"

"Hm, yeah. Even I, the greatest artist to sail the seas and walk on land, can't make a pregnant man have that motherly glow thing… and he'd have to produce milk or something."

"Ew! God, we might as well turn him into a girl if we gotta think this much! But that won't sell a single issue, it'd be like digging your own grave."

"Um, don't you mean 'our graves?' As in both of us?"

A horrified scream suddenly rang throughout the entire ship, quickly followed by incoherent shouts that belonged to Zoro and Sanji.

"So anyway, the idea for a domesticated ZoroSanji doujinshi would definitely sell and perhaps even branch us out to the could be consumers who aren't into hardcore, nasty, dirty, insanely hot and oh-so delicious to read ZoroSanji action." Nami had to pause to dab at a bit of drool making it's way down her chin. "How about we start a mini series where they actually get married and stuff? Ha, Sanji with a veil sounds priceless! Oh, we should put that on the cover, Usopp! Write that down."

"Sanji… veil… cover… But what about Zoro?"

"Hm, well his tux shouldn't be too put together or else we'd have an OOC Zoro and we can't afford such a careless mistake. I'd hate to have to deal with wankers. Are you taking notes?"

"Yeah, I got it, messed up groom on Zoro's part."

"Good, that's the simple part. Now for Sanji, we have to think of a dress that's not a school girl's uniform, maid, nurse, or waitress. You know, something not for sex."

"Wow, we're really going off from our normal course here."

"I couldn't help but over hear this little meeting between you two, so would you mind if I added something to it?"

"Oh, of course not, Robin! You read a lot, you should know what you're talking about. Plus, you're not a complete idiot like the rest of our crew."

Ignoring Usopp's indignant squawk, Robin continued, "Well, I think you should put Cook-san in a tuxedo like Bushido-san, only with a little more white in it and put together properly, of course. It gives a good contrast between the two," -slight giggle- "lovers and still keeps Cook-san in character."

"Ah, you're absolutely right! Usopp, scratch everything I just told you about Sanji and put what Robin said, it's genius!"

SLAM!

"Zoro, would you mind not slamming the doors?"

"He can slam those things all he wants just to show you my ship will never break! I had all the doors specially reinforced to withstand any and all of your teenage hormonal outbursts of rage and-!"

"Later, Franky. We have something to discuss with Nami."

"'We?'"

Zoro pulled up a limp yet twitchy Sanji by the collar before promptly dropping him onto the deck. The rest of the crew regarded this before Usopp shouted, "Holy crap, one of you've finally mentally wounded the other!"

"Shut up, the dart brow's just fainted like the pansy he is!"

"What was that, shitty swordsman?!"

"It's a miracle!" Luffy seemed to have deemed it a good time to come into the conversation, until he decided dancing with glee over the resurrection of Sanji with Chopper and Usopp was better.

Sanji, meanwhile, stood up and dusted himself off, trying to keep as much cool as possible considering the circumstances. Zoro scoffed at this, seeing the twitch still going on with his ridiculous eyebrow. Seriously, was that some birth defect or what? He briefly wondered if his mom had that, too, and how it would look on some lady. That image somehow morphed into Sanji with boobs, and while that wasn't a far cry from the truth in Zoro's opinion, it sure wasn't a good thing to be thinking of. So he quickly went to his most previous thoughts, which were of that freaky comic thing of Sanji and him doing the most bizarre acts he's ever seen. That was a huge leap, considering he'd seen some pretty fucked up stuff (square, giraffe guy being the latest), but what was illustrated on those pages was enough to make his brain explode. Seriously, who did that stuff?! Definitely not him and definitely not with the cook! He'd really have to let Nami have it and… oh yeah.

"What the hell were you doing in me and Robin's room?!" This shout was punctuated with Nami's fist connecting with the backside of his head. Once he became one with the deck, he saw Sanji wasn't too far off and in a similar state. Only in a sissy way.

Apparently, while Zoro was finding inner peace (daydreaming, to the rest of the world), Sanji had been explaining what had happened and was trying to wrap his perverted mind around why Nami would do such a thing.

To which Nami sighed after distributing punishment and said, "I suppose it was going to be found out sooner or later. To make things short, Usopp and I are making porn of you two and selling it. Sanji, I'm thirsty. Could you fix me a strawberry daiquiri?" (1)

"Of course, Nami-swaaaaan!" Sanji trilled. He then spun around and gave a death glare to Usopp. "You drew that crap, didn't you?!"

Usopp jumped before spazzing out, saying, "Well, you see, it was originally a joke comic and stuff with absolutely no dirty, disturbing situations! Ha ha, it was more like you two being all gushy and lovey and everything and it was funny because you two would never in a million years be like that with each other and it's all quite a large misunderstanding and for the love of all that is good I'm sorry!"

"How do you sleep at night?" Zoro growled. His sleep wouldn't be affected by this, but his dreams probably would be. It almost made him not want to take his mid morning nap… almost.

"Chopper's mastered hypnotism," Usopp whimpered.

"It's really cool!" Luffy added.

"Shut up, bastards!" Chopper sang, going into his usual little dance.

"Just don't snap your fingers," Luffy continued, "'cause then Usopp will go skinny dipping."

"What?!"

"It was Franky's idea!"

"It's refreshing," Franky explained.

"I didn't need to know that," Nami muttered while Robin smirked. "Sanji, my daiquiri?"

Mr. Bipolar frolicked away to the kitchen at that with a heart filled, "Coming right up!"

The rest of the crew then began a discussion on skinny dipping etiquette, leaving Zoro to ponder why the hell he was stuck with such an absent minded crew. It was really pissing him off because he had come to discuss something and he damn well was going to discuss it! True, he honestly didn't care nearly as much as Sanji (who would no doubt pummel Usopp once he finished being a bitch boy slave), but it was still an issue in that it was done behind his back. Simple logic tells us that there was a reason for that and Roronoa Zoro had every right to know what that reason was… damnit.

"So no skinny dipping during the day or night?" Franky was saying. "Then when can we do it?!"

"Early morning and evening, if you must," Nami explained. "It's for your own safety and the safety of everyone else's eyes."

"I think the main problem here is that I've been programmed to do it when I don't want to!" Usopp exclaimed.

"We don't know that, yet," Luffy said. "We haven't tried it, it might not work… So I say, as captain, that we experiment! Ready?"

"No!"

"Oka-!"

Before Luffy had a chance to snap his fingers, Zoro grabbed his hand to hault it and successfully got everyone's attention. Of course, he then had to quickly grab Luffy's other hand, too. Then he was successful in getting everyone's attention (assuming Luffy couldn't snap his toes).

"Thank you, Zoro," Usopp sighed.

"I wouldn't talk so soon if I were you," Zoro warned. "You and that witch have a lot of explaining to do."

"I already told you," Nami said, obviously annoyed. "Usopp and me are making porn of you and Sanji and selling it. Geez, I would think even you could understand that!"

"Of course I do! What I mean is why?!"

Silence.

"Why not?"

"Are you serious?!"

"Yeah, I mean, I hate to say it but we can't get all our money from just stealing it. Especially with new crew members, a larger ship, it all adds up to nearly double. So when Usopp made that comic of you two, I realized that it would probably make a killing in the doujinshi world. It's for the better of our crew!"

"Don't try to make it sound like you're a caring person!"

"How dare you make such an untrue statement! Why, I'm the author of your stories and I'm always getting letters saying how sweet it is! I'm FULL of compassion, damnit!"

"It's true," Robin said. "The way she fabricates the events are very heartwarming. Highly unlikely, but heartwarming."

"That makes it even worse!" Zoro shouted. "Give me one of those books, I gotta see how much you people have ruined my reputation."

"Fine," Nami groaned. "We'll start you off with the first of our series. Before this one we just had a few short stories that didn't really go with each other and quickly decided that a full on story was in order. This one" -she had gone to some random storage closet and pulled out a book from behind a wall… weird- "begins all the way back at the Baratie and goes on from there."

"It's really good!" Chopper suddenly said from under Zoro's legs. "Robin, Franky and me all got a better understanding of how you two met by reading it!"

Zoro got a strange image of the three of them reading this presumed porn together in a bed like some family story time… again, weird.

"Even you've read these, Chopper?" Zoro asked.

"Well, not all. Nami says I shouldn't read certain parts until I'm way older. But I'm in there, too! I turn you into a bull and Sanji into a deer! Isn't that cool?!"

"What?!"

"Forget it, it's later," Usopp said, apparently over his fears for the time being. "And for the record, we tried to keep you as bad ass as possible!"

Zoro merely grunted as he sat down and began to read.

The first image was a splash page of Sanji and himself in some ridiculously cozy position on a cough, as if they were lovers or something.

Better get used to that idea if I'm really gonna read this crap, Zoro thought.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

**1.)** I want a strawberry daiquiri. Anyone else?

**A/N:** We'll be getting back to Sanji next chapter, I felt it was necessary to have a Zoro POV chapter. Plus, I love writing guys like him. So fun! XD Funny thing, I started this in November, got stuck, reread it two days ago, deleted it, and rewrote the whole thing in the past two days. What helped was some Japanese fanart site with ultra-uke skinny Sanji and feral-dog with a thing for nipples Zoro. Ming you, it was very well drawn ultra-uke skinny Snaji and feral-dog with a thing for nipples Zoro so I wasn't terribly disturbed by it. It was oddly inspiring...

You know what to do!

Please leave a review!

As always, CONSTUCTIVE criticism is welcomed with strawberry daiquiris… seriously, that sounds delicious right now.


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